Thoughts: Hiatus

Today I was inspired by something a friend shared, and so I thought I should, well, conquer with courage and put a few words out. 

It's almost the end of May - Mental Health Awareness Month. It's been about three months since I've been struggling with myself, really struggling, with what I am not sure of as depression. I have seen a counselor, and for everyone who is hesitating to visit one, please know that it is okay. It is okay to go seek help when you no longer know what to do. When you can't handle yourself anymore. It's okay to ask for help.

I've been seeing a lot of Gemma Correl's artwork for Mental Health Awareness month, and the descriptions that have inspired her work, encapsulates what I have been feeling exactly.
But here goes to trying to pen it down.

It's like a floodgate has been in opened in your mind. All your thoughts come pouring out, and they come in so strongly like they're trying to escape your head but they can't. You try to stop yourself from thinking, to relax, but it doesn't work. You try to think of other things - calming things, but there are too many thoughts already. It's loud but incomprehensible, like white noise. You turn to negotiating, to begging with yourself to calm down, to stop thinking. It's as if there are two of yourself, and one is at the mercy of the other. Sometimes you succumb to hyperventilation, to crying. Sometimes crying will stop the thinking, sometimes it won't, and you're just left with sore eyes and a numbness in your chest.

In the morning you can hardly get yourself to get up. You feel your heart beating fast, and there's a heaviness like a sumo wrestler is sitting on your chest. You talk to yourself, make yourself get up, get yourself to function. "Function" is your operative.
You function for most of the day, go home and try to change your mood.

But so much of it feels forced now. The things that gave you joy and peace no longer help. You no longer have the will to do them, and even when you do it all feels mediocre.

You feel mediocre a lot of the time. You don't understand why people describe you as being mature or having it together because you don't have it together. You feel like a failure most days. Like there is nothing left to be, and all that you thought you were and could be, you can no longer imagine.

You keep asking yourself, "What happened to the person I was a few years ago?" You are no longer that person, you no longer recognize that person.

You try to read all the letters you wrote, letters for yourself when you've lost motivation. But you hear a stranger saying the words to you.

You feel like a shell of what you were. But you need to function. Sometimes you think all people really need is for you to just function. So you will yourself to function. And you crumble inside while you do it.

This happens again. And again. And again.

Some days are better. Some days I feel more of myself, though I'm not sure who that is really. The counselor told me that with what I'm going through, it's like I'm riding a bike - one foot is pedalling but the other is dragging itself on the ground.

We're never sure of what anyone really goes through. It might take someone a lot of effort just to get through a regular day. Just to get out the door, is a victory. Every person has their own struggle, and we can only try to conquer with courage.

If you feel like a friend might be suffering from mental illness, try and reach out to help them get the help they need. And if you yourself would like to get help, conquer with courage dear friend. We will be okay, one day.