Art: Don't Hate Yourself

Thoughts: Hiatus

Today I was inspired by something a friend shared, and so I thought I should, well, conquer with courage and put a few words out. 

It's almost the end of May - Mental Health Awareness Month. It's been about three months since I've been struggling with myself, really struggling, with what I am not sure of as depression. I have seen a counselor, and for everyone who is hesitating to visit one, please know that it is okay. It is okay to go seek help when you no longer know what to do. When you can't handle yourself anymore. It's okay to ask for help.

I've been seeing a lot of Gemma Correl's artwork for Mental Health Awareness month, and the descriptions that have inspired her work, encapsulates what I have been feeling exactly.
But here goes to trying to pen it down.

It's like a floodgate has been in opened in your mind. All your thoughts come pouring out, and they come in so strongly like they're trying to escape your head but they can't. You try to stop yourself from thinking, to relax, but it doesn't work. You try to think of other things - calming things, but there are too many thoughts already. It's loud but incomprehensible, like white noise. You turn to negotiating, to begging with yourself to calm down, to stop thinking. It's as if there are two of yourself, and one is at the mercy of the other. Sometimes you succumb to hyperventilation, to crying. Sometimes crying will stop the thinking, sometimes it won't, and you're just left with sore eyes and a numbness in your chest.

In the morning you can hardly get yourself to get up. You feel your heart beating fast, and there's a heaviness like a sumo wrestler is sitting on your chest. You talk to yourself, make yourself get up, get yourself to function. "Function" is your operative.
You function for most of the day, go home and try to change your mood.

But so much of it feels forced now. The things that gave you joy and peace no longer help. You no longer have the will to do them, and even when you do it all feels mediocre.

You feel mediocre a lot of the time. You don't understand why people describe you as being mature or having it together because you don't have it together. You feel like a failure most days. Like there is nothing left to be, and all that you thought you were and could be, you can no longer imagine.

You keep asking yourself, "What happened to the person I was a few years ago?" You are no longer that person, you no longer recognize that person.

You try to read all the letters you wrote, letters for yourself when you've lost motivation. But you hear a stranger saying the words to you.

You feel like a shell of what you were. But you need to function. Sometimes you think all people really need is for you to just function. So you will yourself to function. And you crumble inside while you do it.

This happens again. And again. And again.

Some days are better. Some days I feel more of myself, though I'm not sure who that is really. The counselor told me that with what I'm going through, it's like I'm riding a bike - one foot is pedalling but the other is dragging itself on the ground.

We're never sure of what anyone really goes through. It might take someone a lot of effort just to get through a regular day. Just to get out the door, is a victory. Every person has their own struggle, and we can only try to conquer with courage.

If you feel like a friend might be suffering from mental illness, try and reach out to help them get the help they need. And if you yourself would like to get help, conquer with courage dear friend. We will be okay, one day. 

Monthly Round-up: January 2016

Thoughts: Slow Down

Peacock Tree - a product of taking time, and slowing down

These past few days I learned a hard lesson in the form of back pains, hospital bills and sick leaves.

Thoughts: An Art Filled Year

Last 2015 was a momentous year for art related opportunities. I thought I would do a little sum up here since I've just handed over illustrations that I was commissioned for, for a book a friend is working on. It's been the second opportunity I've had to get paid for my work, and it is quite exhilarating.

- Workshops
I was able to attend five creative workshops last year. A Basic Watercolor workshop by Raine Sarmiento, another one by Liz Lanuzo of Project Vanity, an acrylic painting workshop by Sip and Gogh, a Basic Collage Workshop by Reese Lansangan, and the Princess Princess workshop by Valerie Chua and Marj Sia.




If I could pick three things that I took away from all of these workshops collectively, it would be the following:

1. If you really want to improve your skills, try to absorb/learn/practice as much as you can.
The people that taught these workshops are people I really admire. I've been such a fan of Valerie for a long time especially. Whenever I see their work, aside from admiration I also feel a tad of frustration that my skills are not up to par. But what these artists have really taught me is that to reach their skill level they put in a lot of practice. Liz especially, mentioned that she totally geeked out over watercolor, and read up on it a lot. It takes a lot of work, and I know frustration is definitely part of the process, but you just have to believe that practice pays off.

2. Patience.
The thing with watercolor is, you have to give it its own time. Specifically, time to dry. It pays to let it dry first especially when you're doing layering. But, I learned that patience is important not only for the watercolor, but for yourself as well. You have to give yourself ample time to improve. You have to be patient with yourself too.

3. Enjoy yourself!
I started painting/drawing as an outlet, something to help me make sense of myself and my emotions. It was purely out of fun and I didn't really start thinking at the onset that I want to reach a certain level. But now that I've come to realize that to better express myself I need to get better at my medium, sometimes I don't have as much fun because the feeling of wanting to get better is stronger. But, I don't want to make art something that just gives me frustration. I still want it to be something that more so, gives me enjoyment. And really, it's something I love to do, so I want to keep the fun in it!

- Berlin Art Parasite's Feature

I sent over some artwork to Berlin Art Parasite's when I saw that they accepted submissions. I forgot that I actually sent it, and lo and behold, one day I found my work shared on their page. I've always admired the artwork and words shared on the page, and how a lot of it resonated with me, so, it meant a lot for my work to be there as well. There was a lot of positive feedback from both friends and strangers alike. It overwhelmed me really, I cried so much, just with the thought that strangers out there had seen it and that it told them something, it meant something to them. That's what I've always wanted to do with my art, and this was one chance where it came true.


- Woman Create's 365 Wonders Planner

This was another wonderful surprise! Marika Callangan of Woman Create held a series of events this year, one of which I attended. Her culminating project was a planner, the 365 Wonders Planner. I've been following Rika for some time, and one day I chanced upon her call for art for the planner. I sent some work, and I didn't hear anything for 5 months.  I forgot (again) that I actually sent something when I received the email that my work was chosen for the planner! I was ecstatic. I was very grateful to have been part of it, along with many beautiful works, and that people would get to have an actual physical copy of my work! Quite a bit of my friends bought their own, and of course, I have one myself. :) Thankful also to friends who attended the launch with me: Tel, Gillie, Kuya Mhawi, my brother John and his friend Rainbow.





- Local Loca's Paper Sniffers Event

On my best friend's birthday, we went to Cubao Expo and chanced upon an event by Local Loca at Uvla Store. There were artists selling prints, knick-knacks etc. I love events like those, and I've always wondered if I could sell my own work one day. I followed Local Loca on instagram and saw that they were calling for artists for an event, a mini exhibit of paper works called Paper Sniffers. I thought, what the hey, and sent a compilation of my writings and illustrations over, entitled Rabbit Heart. I was pretty anxious, and felt like they weren't going to accept it, but they did! Rabbit Heart was showcased in a mini exhibit in Uvla's 2nd floor along with some of my prints. My family and dear friends went all the way from Batangas to visit. Special thanks also to Gail, Rizz and Vlad for coming.





- Commissioned Work

I was asked to do some illustrations for a book and I've finally finished and sent them over. Will keep it on the downlow for now since it's in progress! Really grateful for this opportunity as well, it's always been my dream to provide illustrations for a book, and the subject matter is very interesting.

I can't even begin to say how thankful I am for all the blessings I received last year. I hope this year is an art-filled one too!