Thoughts: A Great Perhaps
I've always been the type to wander of and daydream. Not that I consider that a bad thing. However, I am prone to staying at just that - daydreaming. Or dreaming, simply put. I've never had the consistency to actually go for something. I just dream and dream. I'm not a very consistent person, and I like to make promises to myself a lot which I do not really know how to keep. Now, with this blog, I hope to be a little closer to changing that. I want this blog to chronicle my search for that Great Perhaps. I want to put in here all the inspirations I find, may it be art, music, literature. I want to put in here the moments of my life I want to keep, treasure. Most of all, I want to prove to myself that I can be consistent. I think, I've been too preoccupied with the Other, with what people perceive of me. Instead of doing things for my own enjoyment, because of my own passion, I do them to well, become popular. There are so many glorious blogs out there, and of course, so many glorious people behind them. Well, I want to do this for me first and foremost. I know there are good things out there.
The Great Perhaps
What am I supposed to do?What am I meant to become?Will I ever achieve great things?Am I good at anything really?Recently, these are the questions that I’ve been pondering on. I suppose, there is always that period in one’s life where one is concerned with the direction one’s life is going to take. I am the type of person who likes to immerse herself in a lot of things. I am the type to never settle for one dream, with ideas constantly coming from who knows where. That should be a good thing, unless you feel yourself torn apart by those ideas.It’s hard to express in words really. That feeling, that bright glow at your very core -ambition. The desire to achieve great things. What those great things are, I am not sure. But I know I want them. I suppose, when you think of great things, or success rather, it’s all quite relative. What is success for people? It varies. Success could be money. Success could be love. Or, success could be fulfillment. What is it that would fulfill that longing? It’s consuming really.I can’t answer those questions above right now. BUT, I do know one way to start. That is, to get off my computer and actually start seeing the world. Make more use of my time. If I don’t know what I’m good at now, then I should go out there and find out. Try, try everything. Taste the world. Experience everything you can. Lately, I’ve cooped myself up because of these questions and the pseudo depression that comes from them. This would do nothing to help me. I need to get out of these four walls more. I need to get to know myself. This exchange program, it’s not just about mastering Japanese or learning about Japanese culture. It’s a chance to search for that elusive Great Perhaps. Walking around campus, getting lost in the city, watching people, all of it. I want to drink it all in. I want that Great Perhaps.It’s not as if saying this, I’ll immediately change. I understand that it’s a step by step process, same as other things. But I want it. I want to know what it is that will make me feel the most alive I’ve ever been. I don’t want to feel as if I’m drifting in my own life. I always think that other people are lucky - to be able to be such amazing people while I am but, well, a minuscule speck. But I can’t just remain this way, comparing myself to other people. I am my on person. I have the ability to make my life as amazing as I want it. I want to find what it is that I can go in whole heartedly. That while I’m doing it, I feel as though I want to burst from the sheer fulfillment that I get from it. I’ve realized that I’ve done a lot of things halfheartedly, or, I’ve done them for all the wrong reasons.I know I can no longer continue doing that. There is something bigger out there, that I would never know unless I go all out with my soul and my heart.
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